Never wanted to get married or have children. I saw this man. I fell in love and got married. Two years into the marriage I came home from work and found all the lights on in the house. There were people all over my house in my drawers - house was a mess- someone showed me a warrant - and everyone looked at me really funny. The detective took me outside. He informed me that my husband was under arrest because he attempted to rape and kill another human being. All I could see in his face was pity - I was seven months pregnant. I realized that was the same look I saw from all the people in my house. I had a choice and realized exactly at that moment. I could cry and fight all this or I could remain calm - I chose to remain calm- I had someone who was going to need me very shortly. Talk about losing your self esteem-self worth - alot of things overcome you. One thing I knew even then was that someone was depending on me for everything in this world and I had no one to turn to or even talk with-(by the way- this is therapy for me to write what I could never talk about with anyone)    

So, life went on- struggled doesn't even begin to describe what I went through to make a life for my son and myself. Professionally I grew becoming stronger able to provide life necessaties-me going without but son was doing ok. Had alot of problems without a father-It's very hard to be the preacher, teacher,bacon maker--you need two sets of hands. I'm talking teachers, principal-lunch lady, school counselors calling on a daily basis. Therapy-coming up with the money for it-just to get son on the right track.    

I ended up having the opportunity to go to college and get a degree-I needed to do this for us. Completed that and ended up with a great paying job-life was finally great. Bills were getting paid-everything on track-then boom son turned 15 and life changed- after school detentions-loved school-did not do the work in class-or anything that required working- more therapy- at this time I needed to make a crucial choice- I needed to quit my job and be home more for him. Being a manager in a corporate business-you do not dictate your schedule-you jump when they say jump. Son started going out -leaving doors unlocked being a boy and going down the wrong path. I cried but I knew that I needed to be there for him to be a better example of a mother. Oh the thought of being poor again - just killed me--to have to start over again.     

Tuff struggles in the beginning-even trying to find a way to talk-believe me, we are better-we can relate.  Would you believe that almost as soon as I quit work I became really ill-
I had the beginning of stomach cancer, ulcers,hernias,reflux-etc-of course no hospitalization- wow are things really expensive-on top of that I ended up having to have several blood transfussions- this continues- here's the kicker-I have nothing and yet I make too much to get help--crazy stuff this world. So, if you can find it within yourself to donate to a great cause- this would be one. This is also why:   

When I was in management I helped you to see your potential-I was that woman who encouraged you-motivated you. When you needed money to pay a bill and I knew you were working two jobs I was that woman who gave the money anonymously to you. When you needed food I was the woman who made sure that you had something for yourself and your family. When you needed a place to stay I was the woman who opened my home to you until you had enough money to get your apartment. When you needed clothes or a coat I was the woman who gave you what I had. I have alway felt I should help those that are even less fortunate than myself.

I really want to get this stuff paid off and get these creditors off of my back- I can't take it anymore and more than likely- because of all the pent up stuff I never talked about I'm quite sure that's why I ended up ill.
I will ask for one thing for myself- I would really like someone to donate a divorce decree to me so I am not connected with husband anymore.I can't afford to get one- never will unless someone helps-
I will ask for one thing for my son- a paid vacation to someplace and back- a warm place that he can enjoy- water-ocean- I can dream big for him- disney world- he's been doing well and he deserves that.  Thank you for listening and may you be blessed-nothing is ever too small- I already feel like a load has been lifted just being able to write this.


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